Retain the Light

Today, my pen hesitates. The flow is disrupted, clogged, and a little uncertain, but always positive. Did you know that we are making real change? In every category of my life, which is indeed an extension of the lives and world around me.

Sometimes, in order to make a risky but necessary change, you have to trust yourself, your music choice, and your hardness in order to shift the tectonic plates in your own life to where they optimally need to be. Sometimes in order to fall in love deeper, you have to brave a breakthrough, allow the unstable energies to pass through, and welcome the newfound flood of light and softness for one another. My heart is wise and drawn to ancient understanding. This is the gift of self-love and self-confidence. Experience becomes sight, the truth becomes the ground, and the connection above it all is pure and clear.

In this new universe, I don't have enemies. I have guides. They work in mysterious ways, but I hear them loud and clear through their energy and hearts, which is enough for me to understand. I don't feel negatively about my boss at Thompson House. In fact, I admire her. I like the way she works and communicates. She reminds me of the way my father was growing up: gently understanding and caring, while at the same time guiding me away. I could be sad because these are in fact some of my favorite kinds of people: the ones who know more and choose out of protection for others to stay behind. A good parent let's go when the nest is no longer safe. I know I'm talking about a job here, but can you learn to see similarly deep? Can you learn to read a little wiser and more true, as the heart orginally intended? A loopful life under the studying eyes and cold control of nurses was never something I wished for nor intended. The goal was to escape all that, and so I'm grateful for the centered understanding of this and the optimistic viewpoint for my future.

Which brings me to my romantic relationship, in physical space as well as writing. I am welcoming of the loving flow. In resistance to the gentle push out of Brattleboro, I was slightly regretful, angry, and sad, mourning my income that was finally enough to afford a living, but in alliance with the subtle push now closer to home, I am feeling better. Better direction as well as morals. I can't justify nursing homes. They are almost the same as psych wards. Who were we all trying to fool? I wasn't ready before. Not with my history and the way I've been treated in job interviews before, but life does in fact get a little less scary with two hearts as opposed to one. More opportunities, support, and stability. My former self would hate me for writing this. She would defy me in every way, but I didn't know Anthony then. I only knew males I didn't love or trust, but now that I know love can be real, I am all about the couple dynamic. "Let it all fall away", he says, "the rest of the world is crumbling down," but I don't think we're the only ones. I believe there are other couples too, just as loyal, just as in love, just as strong, and just as spiritual about it in this life and beyond. Maybe not in the spotlight, but in the shadows, quieter places, seclusion, and trees.

But let's not talk or think about that. He and I are soulfully old, but age and relationship-wise, we are still very young. We are only seven months in, and even so, within that small amount of time, we've overcome a lifetime of breakthroughs. We were cold. So cold without each other, in beautiful, hard, and ethereal ways, and now we're warming.

Love was never meant to be automatic, immediately perfect, and forever the same from beginning to end. Maybe it is for some, but I think I knew from the start that this would be different. He and I both got disrupted and thrown off our healing paths several times. We've both been nearly homeless, abused, misunderstood, scared in our odd ways of showing it, and wrongfully blamed. Energy mix-ups and abundance of spiritual power. I love the healing almost as much as I love him. I love the healing because I love him. Each time we communicate without fear and triumph a breakthrough, more understanding, truth, and trust comes through our relationship as well as the world around us. Much of what we're healing comes from our vulnerable selves. He and I are both so strong, but we are also both so strange, awkward, loving, and aware. I adore how he understood my book. I believe he understood my life right from the beginning and did not need a guide to walk him through it.

That, of course, was the greatest challenge. A life shared through art, a halfway healed path braved through writing. What if no one got it? What if everyone got it? That was my hope. It was meant to be unfinished, in order to leave room for the path to continue off the page, and inspire others to look inward at themselves. It was an invitation, and thankfully, Anthony understood. I didn't have all the answers, but I was working towards them. Some advice, burdens, and people are picked up along the way, and as healing continues and strength increases, many times, the same advice, burdens, and people are shed. Maybe, the original heart knew all along. I've always loved being alone. Was there really anything ever wrong with that? I think most in the world can agree now that no, there was never anything wrong with that, especially when there are still so many in the health world who would rather judge, gossip, study, stress out, intrude, and pry, rather than introspect, heal, and tend to their own lives and wounds.

So, love and listen wisely, my friends. Center and pause before resisting, because there is a certain type of flow from above in effect now that seems far more on our sides than ever before. Trust and seek to understand what's underneath before reacting or regretting, and above all else, retain the light. Find the warmth, cherish the warmth, and retain the light.