Gratitude List

Being let go from jobs is getting old, but it’s not wearing me down. What’s been gained? I have learned more—gotten stronger, wiser, and older too along my path. I’ve always preferred to know the truth. You know that part from my first memoir, Somewhere In The Middle, where I say something like, “she’s busy texting people I’ve learned from high school I’d rather not know about.” Yeah, no, I’d rather know. I was stronger before all hospitalizations, and I still am now. It’s been a flood of feelings to peaceful let go and kind of no feelings when it comes to my biological dad and the things I definitely would rather know about him that have happened since. He lost his way. I’ve lost my way before in ways too—that’s where compassion can certainly come from—but not like that. Maybe he wanted that ending. Maybe he didn’t want to be better or ever leave Mary Beth Toni. Maybe I’ll never know.

Kill, kill, kill—yes, of course, I’ll always relate to those who still want to kill Mary Beth Molester Trickster, but you know, I’ve lost the passion in that. It’s not healthy for me to focus so much on that—that’s where the loss of passion comes from. I prefer this more open and present gratitude feeling. You can see from the music videos I’ve made in the past that the war to protect my father has been ongoing and pretty exhausting. I’d rather just throw up my white flag and be proud of the person I am—the person I’ve become and the person I’ve always been at heart too.

This strength permeates all healing work that I have done and continue to do, and I am grateful to all fellow healers. Not the destructive forces from whom parts of life’s path took different turns—that’s not healing. I can’t imagine seducing someone for financial gain and simultaneously making them look like an absolute fool for it. Not my job though to heal that. Here I am again, kind of always shining a light of hope for my dad. Will my dad ever wake up and realize that he needs to be on his own? Do I care anymore? No. Not at all. Not at all.

What do you do when people stop caring about you? Do you stop caring about yourself? Do you sulk and hide? Do you blend and make confusing? Do you…do you…do you…

I do.

Nice and safe. Married and safe feeling, even if it’s just words or a necklace and…just kidding. None of that feels safe. Being alone feels safe.

I guess I’ll keep going and probably not too long from now, get fired from my next job for no apparent reason, and the job after that, and the job after that, and the job after that.

Hey, it’s okay to definitely feel a little like “No more bullshit. I need a steady job to pay my bills, and I love housekeeping. That’s my preferred job of choice.”

Gratitude List:

• My beautiful home with my baby cat, Scrat 🐈‍⬛

• My super strength in healing and persevering

• Shoveling the decks and pathway to the oil tank today—always feels good to be physically strong and care genuinely about my community and the people I stay connected with

• Having a single male friend close enough to my age and his number who seems to genuinely love/care about me—thank you (we’re all saying it lol). Hopefully that’ll stop all nonsense and help my single situation be a little more peaceful and relaxing.

• Having that single male friend not be an ex—that’s fucking not my style. I healed out of that weak style a long time ago.

• Job interview Monday

• My healing book and spiritual connection