From Divided to Balanced

Throughout my deep-rooted healing and the writing of my memoir, I vowed to do two things:

1) Remain single and date myself

2) Fully develop both my masculine side and my feminine side

Due to past experiences of heart-break and loss of self, I knew I needed to become whole on my own in order to fully love myself as well as gain higher connection without relying on the unstable foundation of another's ground. Like a tree, if I was to aspire for my leaves to touch the sky, I needed to make sure my roots were growing stably in my own soil, rather than depending on the soil of a romantic other who might gnarl my growth or retract and leave me to topple.

While I did successfully remain single and develop a full masculine side as well as a feminine side over the last four years, what I didn't stop to consider was what type of relationship I was developing. Much like pollen in the air, we pick up traits and memories from previous relationships throughout our lives, including fear-based and abusive ones, and so without conscious awareness of this integration while developing the masculine and feminine sides, we can find ourselves within an internal negative relationship, much like one we had externally with someone we thought we left in the past.

For these reasons, questions need to be asked while taking the precious developing time to date oneself:

1) What kind of lover do I want to be for myself?

2) What kind of support do I need?

3) What kind of support do I want to give?

4) What are my standards and limitations?

5) What are the warning signs that I may need to step back from the relationship and reevaluate before returning?

A fascinating aspect of dating oneself is that you cannot break up and leave. You are committed for life, and in this way, you can't run from negative traits nor label your whole being as "bad" or "abusive", as one might do with an outside partner. You are forced to deconstruct and focus on traits rather than generalize and judge the entire being. You are forced to pay attention, grow, and change for the better, and to brave into the truth that expands beyond the limits of black and white thinking: the truth that knows "bad people" don't exist. We all have traits we are working on and traits we want to let go of. By dating yourself and realizing this, you start to develop more empathy and understanding for past lovers, as well as hope for future relationships.

I learned this truth and gained vaster empathy for people overall through my own private marriage to self, but I've also seen this development in thinking within long-term external marriages as well--the real kind where problems and arguments exist, but so do breakthroughs, self-reflection, and evolution. The key is for both parties to take some of the blame. When responsibility over discomfort and disagreements is divided equally, so too is the responsibility to look within, develop, and grow. The moment my feminine side stopped hiding, yelling, and running was the moment my masculine side calmed down. There is no growth in the midst of chaos--only destruction followed by the silent aftermath that something needs to change.

If you are developing your internal relationship and find yourself within this pivotal aftermath, invite both sides of yin and yang to the table--the receptive and the action-based ends of the spectrum. Sit down and have coffee or a cup of tea with your masculine half and your feminine. Choose a public or a private place--somewhere where you both feel comfortable--and then practice deep honesty regarding the individual traits rather than the entire character, knowing that they don't determine the person and they have all been picked-up, learned, and developed somewhere along the way of absent-mindedness. Start off with the masculine side and address the problematic traits with curiosity and questions, such as:

1) Why am I so controlling sometimes?

2) Where does this tendency to isolate myself come from?

Trace back to the people: the past lover or perhaps the parent who first embodied these traits, but always return to yourself and truly focus on the why. My personal answer to these questions? Fear and protection. Fear of a world that doesn't understand my most vulnerable pieces. Protection. A deep, sincere love and vicious need to protect. Now that the truth underneath the "why" has been discovered, one can start to understand and let go of the anger, blame, and dislike toward the people who first expressed these traits. One can start to see the whole person on the outside, as well as the whole person on the inside, and empathize deeper with both the world and self. Forgiveness and learning can begin.

Now turn to the feminine side, and ask yourself how:

1) How do these traits make me feel?

2) What reactions and traits do they bring out in me?

When I asked myself these questions, the answer again was "fear". Fear and anger, resulting in a need to rebel and run. The adage "fear begets fear" revealed its age-old truth as I realized fear-based love from my masculine side begets fear-based anti-love from my feminine side. The controlling traits of my action-based yang side were causing my receptive yin side to desperately seek space, connection with anyone else, and close up completely at times as a last resort defense. Without open communication between my differing sides, fear continued to heighten and manifest in vastly different ways as the masculine within me grew to become a capturer, set on keeping my feminine small, and the feminine within me began to run and hide, desiring to never be found. From the open communication on equal terms and safe grounds, however, the discovery was made that both sides were living in fear. Both sides were suffering in their own way and lacking in love, and so the shared desire to let go of old patterns and reach mutual understanding began to surface as a common goal.

The tree that was diseased and splitting in half is now mending back together, sharing nutrients from the same roots that want to grow, love, and be loved. I have learned that no matter how mangled and scary our personalities have grown to become, the core needs are the same: we all want to be understood, and we all want to feel safe and loved. There are no bad people, much like there are no bad trees--only parts that need attention and healing.

So, in the end, even though I am still dating myself, I really have been dating many people all at the same time. In learning forgiveness and understanding with my once divided halves, I have learned forgiveness and understanding with traits of lovers past as well as with friends and family members. I have learned that we all have negative and abusive tendencies that we are working on. We all have pieces of ourselves that we have picked up along the way, and every moment, we need to practice awareness and actively work on our desire for growth and change.

Due to my inner work, I no longer believe in bad men nor bad women as I have in the past. I no longer hold space for hate, blame, and fear toward others either. I believe in communication, curiosity, and a genuine desire to understand the true motives underneath the actions. I believe in communication, curiosity, and a genuine desire to understand the reactions underneath the receiving end. From all my healing and inner work thus far, I believe in forgiveness, and overall, the equality of both the masculine and feminine sides. I believe in the balance.