Expansion

Out here, on my own, I can fully connect. I'll let go of all preludes protecting and including my romantic relationship with Anthony, because I don't need to. The trust is there. Can I allow it? Can I enjoy and receive the spiritual freedom?

I'm learning that I can. My heart is open. Not open in the ways it has been in the past, but open in a peaceful, sure-of-my-path sort of way. I'm so comfortable in this body. So comfortable in my mind and world. Out here, in Indiana, the space is so big, so beyond anything that could have been planned by human or calculated by machine that I have to pause occasionally to take it all in.

By natural universe flow and divine synchronicity, a simple morning walk becomes a stroll with God. Am I allowed to say "God"? I know I am. They tried to teach me fear, numb out, needle out, drug, and traumatize away that which I had no name for because I connected on my own. I didn't follow, look back, or seek out anyone. I believed and trusted and learned from there.

What a relief to be beyond that middle place----the middle point of healing, as well as the other purgatories I needed to pass through. What a relief to dream last night, and even while in sleep, know my boundaries confidently. And what a delight to walk with the sun this morning, notice the yellow birds fly by overhead, and realize the direction from which they came as I turned toward the nearby church.

I smiled, because I hadn't planned to loop back this way, passing by the same church I took a picture of at the beginning of my walk. Above the church, like a hand-sword across the blue sky, a cloud eclipsed the sun, and the ball of golden rays spread out to fill the glowing image. A hand-sword. My hand-sword. Mine, and yet, something much bigger.

All God. All part of the plan.

In that moment, relief and love poured in, and at the same time, flooded all around. The yellow birds resonate brighter as my mind connects them with strength, the solar plexus chakra, the lessons that needed to be learned and shown in order for healing to transcend the middle.

Thank God it continues. Thank God there was and is more to come. This is my first branching trip sober. This is my first branching trip where I don't feel the need to publicly express. Last night, I danced privately in my hotel room, and tonight, I'll probably dance again.

What happens when the camera is off and the space is purely my own? The lessons through movement end up being just for me. The mirror draws me in in the beginning, not out of vanity, but out of personal completion and support. I began my self-healing by singing a lot of love songs to myself, which may sound funny to some people, but it ended up being one of my most powerful tools.

Can you love yourself enough to trust that yourself will take care of you and be there for you when you need? Yes. I dance and sing to celebrate this truth and renew this knowing.

A song or two later, I bloom into the rest of the room, needing the open space, the release from reflection and focus in order to expand my energy. With the mind relaxed and my eyes nearly closed, I let my body fill with consciousness. This is when movement teaches me. Some of the songs, I allow randomly while others pop into my body consciousness, calling to be expressed, told through dance-story, and alchemized within as illuminated energy.

I laugh occasionally, surprised and in awe by what my body cells have to teach me. They're so clever and fluid. My mind gently heals as the body gracefully flows. Who knew grace could be so strong and wise? I am free to rejoice and dance in the light of spirituality as my muscles weave in their uplifting strength. All cells work in harmony. . .for the sake of healing. . .for the sake of flowing forward. . .

Which takes me to the end of my morning walk where I find myself standing at the doorstep of a tiny cabin with a steeple, right next to my hotel. Inside, there are pews, a cross, and an invitation to come in and pray. A part of me wants to work around, like I always do, preferring the open sky and my personal connection with everything that's bigger, but is that really a good enough reason to not go in?

With my heart open, I try the door and go inside, and in there, hanging on the wall, is a very human picture of Jesus----the way I've always related to him and thought of him in those tiny moments where I feel allowed. In the picture, he's whittling wood----a humble means to make a living and stay close to the genuine nature of hard work. I smile because he really does feel like a friend. I know that I'm not the only one who continued to heal and grow beyond the various forms of "the middle". I also know that I'm not the only one who received hard lessons in order to go beyond.

"Jesus died for our sins," everybody who follows him always says, but what about the people who aren't sinful? What about the people who heal, who genuinely love, who strive always to be better, and who deeply care about the world? What if Jesus had been surrounded and supported by them instead of the mess of people he generously forgave but who never changed? Jesus is a friend to me because he and I kept learning and growing off the page. Healing continues, and I adore this aspect of the journey because it never ends.

And neither does my pen.

How cool that my last blog opened up the invitation to pray, and now here I am, staying in a hotel with my cat right next to a cabin made for prayer? Sometimes, I just have to allow myself to be amazed. This life is so incredible----so full of spiritual purpose and synchronicities----that I have to allow myself a moment to sit in gratitude. I know I am the personal creator of many aspects of my life, but the grand creator? The forces that support, inspire, and gracefully orchestrate? I believe in many, but what about beyond that? Beyond the human souls I look to and admire? Beyond the illuminated cells and energy?

These questions open me up rather than close me in for answers. More expansion and trust is what I've always needed, as well as a real and loving home, and for that, on a very humanly-heartfelt level, I am grateful to both Anthony and myself (Melissa Toni) for the healthiest of relationships.