The Heart of Time

Small, but powerful the vibrancy glows in me. The licks of inspiration swirl all around, and I am solidly sensing from the center.

Does the creation energy come from me, birthed within and spilled out across a generous sky, or do the colors magnify from the mysterious curved edges, drawing me up and cleansing through like a fountain? When the pressure of small self is bathed in a pool of soft yellow, a halo emerges, a ripple of space, cushioning time. We all want more time. Not the kind that passes by meaninglessly, but the sort that blends and ignites, the kind that encapsulates the stars and grows in an ocean of wonder.

I hold this rock and I feel safe. All worries, faint background ripples, flow out as a new sense of time emerges----less urgent, more full-bodied and even bigger than my pen. Can I allow the expansion? I knew so well how to make and savor time on my own, so this is an adjustment. I'm learning what it feels like to be in time, rather than chasing time. For so long, I was the creator of my own life, working hard and fearlessly for that, and now in co-creation, I'm beginning to trust and feel the joy of something else.

Every Saturday, one day a week, I relax my solid center, and I open up to growth and the unknown. I release all personal plans to welcome in my boyfriend's current: the blending of spiritual paths. What does his soul have to teach me? Still in tune with my intuition, I'm learning how to listen and trust another, but not the way I used to. Before without boundaries, without inner foundation, the work was messy. I needed my own solidity: my own self-love. This rock represents all the healing and self-trust I've worked so passionately for, and now with its weight in my hand and grounding in my heart, I can be with another. I can hear and allow the space to listen to both of us----more of us----feeling the different currents, letting mine surrender directional pull, if only for a day a week. If only to learn more and grow.

What did I say last night? I bring the healing and independence, and he brings the love and teamwork. Something like that, and it's not entirely that black and white, but the learning I welcome every week is a blending to that effect.

And now I kiss the heart center. In that space, I gather back all my energy in a whirlpool breath, a flow that is nourishing and self-centering. Self-centered. There is a negative connotation there that some may read. But what of the people without that center? They seem to be afraid to go within, focusing instead on others----on anyone but themselves. I'd rather speak from my own space----my own depth, heart, purpose, and home. The book I'm reading now understands this well:

". . . the necessary balance between the selfish/selfless choice emerges. Almost all I spoke with called themselves 'selfish' people. At the same time each described his or her favorite activities in words that valued service, others, nature, caring, relationships and so on. There was a neat blending of inner/outer realities, a way of gently coming to terms and being receptive to the needs of the environment, or of others, as a high pleasure." (Ordinary People as Monks and Mystics by Marsha Sinetar)

There is a bit of irony here as the book's purpose is devoted to the study of others, rather than self, however it is an open-minded study, curious about those who live from healing and wholesome centers. Spiritual depth and understanding seems to be the goal, and as a reader who relates, I do feel comforted. Not alone, nor ever was. This rock is also a rebirth----a worldly and powerful renewal. With its strength as my core, all the rubble of past external ignorance and fear burns away. I am a light, aflame in stillness, as I shine my healing and growth brightly, both for myself and others.

And under the self-made moon----the cool glow and mysterious bend of my reading light----my cat curls up with soft shut eyes and a palpable aura of all that we share. For a moment, time is vastly different as I realize how strange and precious this life truly is. As I separate a fleeting bit from my body, I feel it deeply as she and I become two souls, aware of the impermanence of time. How amazing that we get to experience this life together. She opens her eyes and sees me directly as she mirrors the same realization. It's a firefly moment----too magical for me to capture or anyone to fully believe. And yet, it lasts forever because the meaning is real. It's about the truest realization any two souls can have. And with that, I hold her for a while and kiss my boyfriend goodnight, and in the morning when the sun rises and later when it sets again, I am completely and fully there.