Self-Love Balance

The rain trickles light on the moss-speckled roof as I stay in bed, Scrat nestled on my back, writing on the pages nearest—not in the notebook usual for blog posts a few steps away. It takes a bit of bravery to let overlap guide, and to trust that when I return to this particular notebook, I won’t lose my way or forget the healing pages before.

“Can you separate everything for me?”

This is a question I sang to myself recently, quoted from a Years and Years song, and yes it feels so good and right to separate out what isn’t mine or from me, but there are also times when it is okay to allow a little overlap—we learn from each other, after all, and if it isn’t already obvious from the life I’ve personally led and the combination of published work with self-written comments down below, we need a degree of light and dark. Humor and truth, solitude and group, hope and healing.

Let this not be a soup, stirred together unthoughtfully, but a centering point where the sense of chaos can be known and the strength and love within all the more solidified. Why do I need two Dads? I feel safe in between. It’s okay to need, on occasion, someone to listen, help ground, and reflect back wisdom, and thankfully, more and more, because of us all, the world, in general, is a safer place.

“We’ll help you out with that…”

These are the words that were said to me, through and from an old co-worker of mine who, delicately put, was separated out while I was in Buffalo, Wyoming. I didn’t mind her overlap because it was true and clean—not sleazy and immoral—and she along with another former co-worker (and the Universe) helped us all get back aligned with our creative passions and endeavors. What we came here to do. I didn’t start writing my second memoir until she said that, which happened at the same time the other co-worker told me he wanted more solitary time to work on his music. Little droplets of flavor and balance to yield a more nourishing soup. The list goes on and on as far as synchronicities and subtleties that occurred at the same time to make for a meaningful change. This is one example of the overlap I most certainly don’t mind, and because we are healing people, once forced to separate, we did indeed let go. But does that make it okay? Does the care stop because these people are out of sight now and out of mind? No. Not for a million reasons, especially when it comes to good women. I am still a friend, for the sake of warding off any misguided men who think separation equals all morals out the window, and higher than that, because the Universe worked well through her. She helped make my life better, and I hope I helped make her life better too.

We let go now. We separate. It’s easy when both are so self-equipped.

But hold on! What about the layers of abuse? When will the chaos stop? When will good people who genuinely care stop being pushed around? It’s a centering point now, where we hold nucleus strong. You dip in and you dip out, working with the various tidal waves, foaming ripples, darkness and lightness all the same, knowing now that it’s all beneficial for you—there is not much to resist at this point. The droplets of rain are noticeable again, tiny bursts of water against the skylight glass. Like bubbles popping in the air, I reach up and touch them with my finger. There is a ground beneath and a ground above. We can never forget this. Like my Dads, you could say, or whatever makes sense to you: Mother Gaia and the Universe, a colorful dragon rock and a natural tree stone, we are both, learned from each other, taught to one another, balanced, “so different and so the same.” ***

Are you strong enough to rest in this place? Can you fill these pages, never minding who bought these notebooks, knowing that because you are you, when the last line is filled and all words transcribed and saved to my computer, I will wash these notebooks out and buy my own again? Cleansed and renewed, this place is my purest home. It is here where my cat and I center, and it is here where we honor the forces that gave us hope. Could it be that a friend was important afterall? Friends. Real ones, with good wholesome boundaries. Self-love is both a solitary matter and an overlapping one. I thank you for being strong because you helped make me strong too.

*** “So different and so the same” quoted from Sarah Conner’s Woven With Salt Song (https://youtu.be/568Q5nj5NQc?si=BMguvK8cstPq-U0z)