Turning Over A New Leaf

The challenge of letting go of anger and allowing myself to feel safe and at peace.

At age twenty-six, I started carrying and painting rocks as a way to understand the weight of the struggles that I have been lugging around for most of my life. For months, I spent an hour or so each day hiking with a pack of rocks in order to understand the burdensome effects of trauma as well as gain strength, both mentally and physically, as I unpacked each rock over time. Now, at age thirty, I am painting rocks again, but this time I am skipping the strenuous step of carrying them. My power and inner strength is no longer a question: I have proven these qualities time and time again. Now, my goal is to work with my burdens in a loving, nurturing way so they can become a part of my story rather than an obstruction in my foundation's ground.

One of the trickiest burdens that keeps coming back in different ways is my tendency, and many times adoration, for the emotion anger. Anger has helped me in many situations, including powering myself out of negative environments and providing strength in times of depression. Anger is indeed a source of energy, and it is a powerful one in defeating suicidal tendencies, however, it is only useful when it is transformed from its raw blame-focused form into an empowering mantra. Like a war chant, set on pushing a soldier through tough times, anger can lead the way out of darkness, but what happens when the war is over and the anger still remains? What happens when there is no need to fight anymore, or when the fighting is actually dragging out the pain? These are the questions I have been asking myself. There is a time to fight, and there is a time to realize the fight is over and the residual anger is only causing more suffering.

Can you let go of the battle ground? Can you find peace within yourself and reintegrate into life's natural, heart-centered flow?

Much like a soldier returning from war, I found myself many times drawn toward the fringe of society, preferring the spaces where survival mode and anger is more needed. There were many reasons for this gravitational pull, including a deep empathy and love for this population, as many of them have shared similar struggles of hospitalization, homelessness, and judgement, however, in the end, this tendency does always cause more pain. In an odd way, the fight-mode life had become my norm. I am now learning to accept peace and to welcome comfort. There was indeed a part of me that not only felt uncomfortable with calm, but unworthy. Can you love yourself enough to know that you deserve rest and relaxation? Can you take off the soldier's uniform and still recognize yourself?

Ways To Shift From Fight Mode to Peace Mode

Join me in practicing curiosity and awareness with this tendency toward anger in order to deconstruct its power. Ask yourself these questions:

“Why is anger so alluring to me?”

“In what ways has it helped me in the past?”

“In what ways has it caused me suffering? Caused others suffering?”

When anger is arising as a reaction, focus on the breath and regaining its calm rhythm, rather than going immediately with the thoughts and reactions. You can also consider the brain a committee rather than one opinion to divide up the power it has over your emotions. Part of the committee votes for a reaction of anger automatically, but another part of the committee (a smaller part in the beginning) votes against it. Work on strengthening the other half of the committee.

Practice kindness with yourself. Know that you are worthy of nurturing, relaxation, and rest. Just because you have been fighting for most of your life doesn't mean the fight must go on forever. The shift will be uncomfortable at first, but much like the changing of the seasons, you will discover a whole other side of yourself that you never knew existed. Beneath the hard exterior, strength, and passionate goals, there is a softness and an ease that wants to flow. Release the flood gates and let the peace take over like a bubbling tub of warm water that has been wanting wash away the suffering for a long time.