Ink-pool

Last night in bed, just before falling asleep, I got that exciting lit-up feeling in my brain----the kind that receives and allows ideas all on its own, while I lie awake, inspired by the energy. I adore how my life works: I write something down----the phenomena of the self-love altitude----and then sure enough, never too far from the time I wrote, I live out the experience, as if I summoned the event or predicted its proximity in time. Who knows how this stuff works? All I know is that my creative connection is my absolute brightest and purest source of life, and I am beyond grateful to know that I can tap in just as powerfully within my boyfriend's arms as I can on my own.

Being in a romantic relationship does not have to mean sacrifice or shrinking down.

This is vital to know. I remember the influences and pressures of past people circling from before who wanted me to stop doing, settle down, relax, and be less. These energies scared me because I knew they didn't understand life force. They didn't understand creative drive, the joy of flourishment, the elation of higher connection, and the absolute thrill of allowing it all to create a genuinely exciting and different life. This is all vital to know and remember because deep inside somewhere, hidden within part of my being, I started to believe in these negative energies. I started to believe that in order to truly care about romantic love, protect a relationship, and retain trust, I needed to let go of my projects and be smaller.

In my original healing journey, the one with the burdens and backpack, I painted my book project on one of the rocks. I didn't analyze this burden too thoroughly----I didn't have time to----but now that I do, I understand that the burden wasn't about my book at all. It was about my writing----my God-given passion, talent, and connection. It was about a strange belief I started to solidify within as truth that the only way I could be free in my love for pen and paper----truly free----was to be alone. My ink constantly pulled toward independence and space, because that's where I felt most alive and free, but now my pen is acting differently, filling up an inspiring ink-pool----a deep lake that I willingly share with edges that gently lap and pull toward expansion.

I didn't trust anyone before, and for good reason, and many didn't trust me. There are a thousand reasons for broken trust, but the main reason for trust retained is seeing oneself in another as well as something different and admirable. I see the same morals and values in Anthony. I sense the similar pain and need for a secure life. I understand the misreadings and struggles in vulnerability. I admire the support and unconditional softness.

I became so hard----I know this----because life had grown so cold and hard around me, but now that this romantic trust is something I genuinely believe in, and vice versa for him, it feels more like a dipping pool where we can cleanse, re-center, relax, and re-inspire each other, rather than a tightly gripped set of reins, cutting into the tongue through the sharp edge of the bit.

When trust is real in a relationship, instead of love feeling like a burden or the end of actual living, love becomes the launch pad and the vessel for life. I discovered this through my own healed love and genuine trust within, and now, I am discovering this again with another person. The ceiling does not sink down, and the walls do not close in. They don't have to. Yes, of course doing absolutely everything together, letting go of creative endeavors that require space and solitude, and shrinking life's possibilities can breed trust, but over time, what kind of trust would that breed? I'm no stranger to intuition and instinct. By natural knowing, I'm well-aware that that kind of trust, even in the most cherished and very best relationship, could quickly lead to a deadening of spiritual connection, as well as resentment, longing, and regrets. Now that I'm awake, healing even deeper, and aware, I could never follow a path of trust so narrow, controlled, and limited. I keep trying to, out of that weird wound within that only now I'm starting to understand, but the recognition of that wound in combination with self-confidence and my ever-growing-confidence-in-relationship is healing this backwards belief.

Why in the world did Anthony and I connect to, believe in, and stick to such incredible morals when it comes to love if we were just going to gravitate together and collapse into stagnation? Why would I have spent years healing, becoming whole, enjoying solitude, and braving unbelievably enlightening missions all on my own if my ultimate goal was to let go of this ability and render myself dependent and small? This is one side of the coin, of course----a coin that I've been carefully studying and flipping over for the last few days. The other side begs a different set of questions----questions I haven't cared about my whole life, save for one relationship with a man who died in a car accident back in college. Romantic relationships haven't meant much before or after him because nobody was that sincere, caring, and good, that is, until I met Anthony. Now, the questions on that side of the coin evoke feeling again:

Why would I cherish and understand how incredibly precious time can be if only to hoard it and enjoy it on my own? What would be the benefit in strengthening my adoration for solitude in moments where the real healing and strengthening is needed in my romantic relationship?

This two-sided coin is so warm because it has been studied and pondered over many times in both sets of hands: mine and Anthony's. I am not the only one who asks these questions.

But thankfully, the answers are exciting within each realm when the relationship is founded in warmth and trust. The questions become sources of inspiration rather than wedges of underlying woe. My hard and solid loyalty solidified Anthony's which has birthed more freedom, and his warmth and softness has inspired me to relax a little more and loosen my own reins. We are simultaneously teaching each other to trust this pool of love and bathe in its waters often. We are learning that this new center that we've created in coming together does not take away our inner centers and freedom, but rather grants us a safe place to spill out and expand without hurt. Our shared home is my new ink-pool, and from there, within his arms, as I did last night, I am fully able to bask in and receive creative ideas as I used to when I was wholly alone. The energy does not fizzle out grey in the wake of a cold and confined relationship, but rather, it grows in full color toward actualization because I am supported, trusted, and loved.

I am not captured. I am safely free, and so is he.