Gifts from the Mess

I need some fresh air to cleanse out the negativity, the divides, and the deep backwards healing. Like Forrest Gump, I was running from it all, and I know in my heart, a part of me still wants to run for forever. I do that in my mind now----in stillness. I'm doing that right now as a group of birds play and fly overhead. The air is soft this morning, like a hazy dream-like pool. A lone bird swims on a winged current. So soft within me and stronger ahead . . . a coyote runs by and interrupts my thoughts, disrupts the flow momentarily as I stand in protection and call out as a warning toward my cat.

I know he was just passing through, gentle and relaxed in the daylight hour, but nature knows there's a balance. A balance of being one and being One. The capital One floats in on a gathered group of wings----black crows that hardly make a sound. They were cawing before the coyote emerged. They cawed him out. There is very little I need to change or defend about myself out here in nature. We all blend and work together.

And my cat is here----wise and skilled, comfortable and happy. She has her own tales to tell from all the adventures. Thank goodness for our connection and thank goodness for our freedom. Connection and Freedom----you could capitalize those too. And the dogs. The Dogs. I loved them all. We empowered and relaxed each other. There is a reason why I have such a soft humor at times----the dogs taught me how to be silly and weird. Real actual animal dogs. Together, we learned how to live through all kinds of shenanigans and even enjoy the ridiculous aspects of human life.

So what am I grateful for? The forward and backward. The peeling and healing in this moment. I had to peel in order to face some ugly truths I never wanted to face. I had to face them for the big purpose stuff----for the reasons why things needed to change. Part of healing is remembering. The other part of healing is moving forward. Stillness expands and eases the mind, readying for the cleansed forward momentum. In nature, mental peace is easy to rediscover. Dreams can be understood as tides, pulling backwards into the depths to see what's there. Behind closed eyes, fish are freed from entanglements. I'm careful with metaphors now, but I don't mind this one. Jack is not a friend, but he's also not a foe. Previously caught in similar traps, I hope for nothing less than his freedom: freedom from my horrible past and freedom from the horrible systems that continued the cycles of abuse. No schooling needed, he and I saw through. He was a Goodman, and still is somewhere. Thank you for believing in me, and thank you for believing in yourself.

The real world morning breeze rustles through the leaves like waves on the sand, foaming ashore. I'm glad we're making a better and safer world----one that is founded in nature, intuition, and good morals.

So, I can write a little freer now. I'm happy to blend and learn, breathe in a little more compassion as I breathe out strength of heart. Like the tree I gaze at now, the trunk is certain as it roots in the ground, but the branches remain ever reaching. It's okay to be okay being alone. In fact, it's an incredibly good quality. From that space, there is no emotional dependence or hurt. Mostly, a lot of tuning in to oneself and healing the pieces that matter.

And in comes Positivity. I do love Positivity. Positivity is that momentum I was getting to before the coyote ran by. It's that personal drive and that higher aim. It's the passion that uplifts and the way of life that elevates. It's that higher faith in "everything happens for a reason" and the energy of empowerment as that faith moves through you.

What are you living for?

What is and are your purposes?

We have to have them. Stillness and peace, in the long run, are not enough. I'm thankful for my pen, so at home in my hand. I'm thankful for that bit of lightning I think I just saw crack above the mountain. A ladybug rises by its own set of wings up toward the illuminated clouds, joyous as it levels off wisely just above the trees. Why can't we work as a team? I'm talking with my boyfriend, Anthony, now. We have good ground here. His positivity is renewed and is starting to inspire and renew mine. We could have it all, if we want. We could relax with the forever and permanent stuff, and instead do a little more enjoying and being.

"This is your life and today is all you got now." (Quote from the band Switchfoot)

I love that quote. I can feel it again. Gratitude comes easy when goals are aligned and fear is softened. I have a lot of Capitals in my life----spiritual elements that make me believe----and they all bring me joy. I'm grateful for the "mess" because of the gifts received, and in the clean-up, as always, hope and healing prevail.