A Pause for Acknowledging

What do I do when my pen has stopped and my ink has dripped off the lines and into the margins, much like the rings from my last rock----a rock I'm not even sure serves a purpose?

Well, I take it as a sign. Within my second memoir's context, the pause is miraculously appropriate, serving a purpose there, allowing some distance and different feelings to come in. But what about right now? How is the hesitant, hurt pen helping me at all? How many times will I need to relearn that sticking with the light is my path, and in the words of a Linkin Park song, "leave out all the rest."

But, it's so . . . controlling some times. Rereading that last sentence from the previous paragraph has a bit of a "you have no choice" vibe to it----an undertone I now know from investigating my hurt flows beneath the higher place, in a world where unbelievable injustice happens. So, my paused pen marks a spot where I need to step back and feel, if only to understand that I don't live in denial.

The pause also highlights a fork in my path----one I've come to many times----where I need to remember the steps and feelings that didn't help, and instead embody, despite everything and anything outside of me, that light I so desperately reach toward and know.

The anger and hurt----it's true----it doesn't help. Neither does living from the pain of that injustice space. So, where am I now? Have I elevated the previously and seemingly controlling voice from a few paragraphs above, and alchemized it to something more confident and resolved? Am I the feeler and the healer? Am I capable of holding it all?

Through openly exploring the underlying pain, it's obvious that most of the hurt comes from the child within me, and the children of today all around. So what do I do? I acknowledge them. I cry for my inner child pain----proud she can cry and proud too that she can button it all up and do what needs to be done in order to have independence in this world. What about the children of today? I acknowledge their anger. I acknowledge their "sick of this shit" feelings, but also continue teaching healing, and in turn, letting them teach it to me back. Do I believe porn and nude beaches are a form of cheating? For the next generation, yes. Let's get right to it. I don't want that kind of pain to keep repeating, but from my personal relationship perspective where so much change and good has occurred since, I think it is forgivable.

Does it feel wrong talking about this personal stuff, that isn't even mine, so publicly? For sure----a little, but isn't that the beauty, and also, the horror of today? We are all open books now. Nowhere and nothing to hide. Can we be proud of who we are and how we've personally changed? Can we forgo the backwards hurt direction, and refocus ahead? Can we actually let the openness be a source of healing and introspection?

And how about justice? Who doesn't love justice? All over, left and right, others tried to determine for me what wasn't good and what was, in particular, with romantic partners. And you know? They were usually wrong. I believe I can center and determine, all on my own. Do I have that same, non-controlling faith for the children? Of course. They will experience pain, heartbreak, trauma, healing, and forgiveness, and it'll all be natural. We're stronger than others think. Is that the gold the black drippings have been trying to alchemize to? That hurt is inevitable, but the flow----when allowed----heals everything all on its own?

I'm talking about the flow from within. Why do I not worry or fret about possibly suicidal people anymore? Because . . . it'll all sort itself out. Healing will take place or it won't, and as I learned from age 13-14, that burden is not for me to carry. I believe in breakthroughs----not dependence or passed on pain. There is the significance of those black rings again----very much serving a purpose in self-made boundaries, entirely for the sake of life and happiness. Can you boundary out what isn't yours to take on? Can you take it a step further and cleanse out the nastiness of the world?

And what a life-saver all around those black boundaries! Nobody gets hurt and nobody gets hospitalized or imprisoned. Yeah, I understand my love. It's real. It's not controlling or scary. In fact, it allows self-healing and forgiveness all around. I can't say the same about others, but do I really need to worry about that anymore? I'll let the pain of the past be the past, and I'll keep doing what I'm doing, which is being a love and healer.

Take it from me, following hurt and pain, with no sense of direction, will only get yourself lost. Lets acknowledge and learn, let it be a little messy, and keep choosing the path of positivity and light. Let's keep blazing the trail that has never been done before, marveling in all it has to teach and creatively leave behind.